It was never a place nor a sound.
What was it ? I've struggled to find it Was it in books? Was it in the friends I made ?
It felt like it in church but I never really understood
At home I could feel a bit of it like a ray of sunlight It was all I had in me All I had to give
Where didn't I look for it ? Who didn't I ask for it ?
All they could offer were fragments, and for a while it was okay, i lied to myself that it'll be enough.
I rededicated my life to Christ, November 21st 2021. I remember crying and speaking in tongues that night. It was a new feeling but it wasn't what I yearned for.
I yearned to be heard, to feel like a kid again, to be valued, to be loved, to be everything "he" never was.
By the time I was a teenager, I was broken I saw myself being satisfied with the barest minimum, I wasn't happy
Desire !
The first time I saw her I laughed at how small her backside was. The first time I talked to her, I admired how smart she was, I felt rejuvenated anytime we spoke to each other
I was unsure if this was it, if I had found it ?
Days turned to weeks, Weeks to months, And there I found myself trying to be a better person. I did things I would have never done before I was fazed I couldn't believe it. All I needed to feel alive again She had it all and freely she gave it. And soon enough I found it in every little thing she did, every little gesture, every little comment.
But somewhere along the line, The warmth began to fade. Not because she stopped giving, But because I stopped receiving. And maybe she felt the same too. We spoke, but not in the language we once understood. We reached out, but our hands missed each other in the dark. What once felt like home began to feel like a memory. Not a bad one, not bitter Just distant.
I still tried. She still tried. But love is not just effort, It’s understanding. And somewhere, we lost the map to each other’s hearts. She’d smile, but it didn’t feel like it was for me anymore. I’d speak, but my words no longer landed.
So we did the hardest thing lovers can do We let go. Not out of hate, But out of love for what we once were. Out of respect for the people we were becoming.
It hurt. God, it hurt more than I imagined. I missed her voice, Her laughter, The way she used to look at me like I mattered. She missed the way I used to fight for her The man I became for her.
But sometimes, The right people meet at the wrong time, Or the right time ends too soon. And that’s okay. Because love, even when it fades, leaves behind lessons. It plants seeds.
We walked away, scarred, yes, But wiser. We faced life, Not with bitterness, But with quiet strength.
It's the 1st of May, 2025. 9:15
I’m learning to love myself now. She’s chasing her dreams, glowing in her own light. We still carry pieces of each other, the good, the hard, the healing.
And maybe someday, We’ll meet again
As better versions of ourselves, not to resume what was, But to smile and say….
“We made it.”
That's really good ! 🤩✨️