Growth by Abel O.

I don’t remember everything.

But the things I do remember,

They don’t leave.

They sit with me.

Sometimes behind my ribs.

Sometimes in my throat.

Sometimes in the lies I told myself just to feel safe.

I was just a boy who wanted to be seen.

Wanted to be chosen, not just needed.

Wanted to laugh without checking if it was allowed.

But sometimes, I learned things too early.

How to shut down before I was shut out.

How to turn silence into armor.

How to hold back tears like they were debts I couldn’t pay.

I was reckless with hearts

Mostly my own.

I hurt people.

Lied to protect my image.

Cheated when I felt unworthy.

Manipulated because I was scared of losing control.

I wore pain like perfume, convincing, intoxicating,

and always temporary.

I pushed good people away.

Said it was love.

Said it was loyalty.

But really, it was fear, deeply rooted.

I didn’t want to be seen too clearly.

Because what if they looked,

and found someone even I couldn’t love?

Didi.

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She was... warmth in human form.

A poet, even in her silence.

She carried her own shadows, and still had room for mine.

She held me when I couldn’t hold myself.

Loved me out loud, even when I whispered in return.

But I wasn’t ready.

I blamed my past for every mess I made.

Grew gloomy every time she wasn’t okay

as if her sadness was a mirror to mine.

And when she needed patience,

I gave her pressure.

When she needed space,

I filled it with questions.

She didn’t leave because she stopped loving me.

She left because I didn’t love myself loud enough to believe her.

There are nights I think about who I could’ve been

if I’d chosen healing earlier.

If I’d stopped performing survival

and started practicing peace.

I still work out.

Not just my body, but my mind, my heart.

Push-ups to fight the numbness.

Planks to brace the weight I carry.

I read scripture now, not just for answers,

but for conviction.

From the Word, not the world.

Some days, I feel like a glitch in my own timeline.

Like I’m living chapters I should’ve rewritten.

But I’m learning that regret is just another name for growth that came late.

And I’ll take late growth over no growth any day.

And when i have a son, I’ll tell him:

“You’ll make mistakes.

Just make them honest.

And when love finds you, don’t flinch.

Let it in.

But never let it replace you.”